I don’t care who you are. When you sit down to write the first page of your screenplay, in your head, you’re also writing your Oscar acceptance speech. Nora Ephron

I may be just about three Chardonnays past I don’t give a damn… I could talk about a few producers (like the extra dozen listed in the credits) not knowing a damn thing about film production, or I could talk about directors who…or that actor, when he… Hand me that bottle? I think I’d better behave and save the venom for my novels.

I’m thinking of gold. Lovely gold. This Sunday, March 2nd, there will be plenty of gold, Oscar gold.

I think I’ll talk about something exciting and upbeat, like what it’s like to be a nominee the day of. If you’re a gentleman you will be in your tuxedo by three, when a limousine will appear at your abode to take you to the Dolby Theatre. Now, if you are a lady you will have been in hair and makeup since about noon. Babies, it takes a long time to glue on individual eyelashes. However, when the time comes everyone will be ready to glide into the car, which is stocked with champagne and a variety of hard liquors. Your driver will be with you for the length of the festivities. He will drive you to the parties after the Governor’s Ball and deposit you at home sometime after three in the morning, and perhaps even escort you to your front door. It would be wise to have some crisp one hundred dollar bills at the ready. This kind sir will have been paid for by the studio, but at your service for at least twelve hours.

I think I mentioned last year that the Oscar statuette was designed by Cedric Gibbons, master of design during Hollywood’s gilded era. He was one of the founding members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and won eleven of the statuettes, himself. I’ve also mentioned those Oscars are heavy. It’s kind of a two handed job holding them up. A MYSTIFYING PICTURE OF JOANNE WOODWARD AT THE 30th ACADEMY AWARDS | BEGUILING HOLLYWOOD. If you were fortunate, heard your name read, made it to the stage and delivered your speech in the three minutes allotted, then you will be led backstage where you can have a plaque, with your name engraved on it, fixed to your Oscar.

Have we talked about the pre parties? There are zillions of them. Okay, okay, dozens. They start on Tuesday and run straight up to The Event. They’re thrown for causes, for fashion, for women in film, some of them are thrown at studios to honor the nominees, some of them are at the homes of Agency big wigs to celebrate their clients. The Governor’s Ball takes place immediately after the awards and you are seated at tables with the people that you have worked with on the film you were nominated for. That’s a mouthful of sentence, isn’t it? Anyway, at the Governor’s Ball you might suddenly find yourself eating the first meal of the day, as all butterflies have flown. There will be tons of champagne and a lot of giggling and hugging. Now, the after parties, they are by invitation only, however, if you’re carrying the Golden Boy you can go anywhere you please.

Look at that, finally you’re home and in bed, and if you’re working, you will wake in three hours, fueled on adrenaline and go into set. Perhaps you will have carried your award with you, and you just might pass the statue from hand to hand and let the golden glow wash through the day…